Friday, January 27, 2012

#FlashFriday #FridayFictioneers: That Girl

Welcome back, Madison Woods! Though she says it's a long road back to reality after her memorable vacation, it's good to have her back! We missed you, Madison!

I thought this week's photo prompt was different from most, but as always, I enjoyed the challenge.

You can read how it inspired other Fictioneers on Madison's blog at: http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/flash-fiction/first-contact/

As always, feel free to leave a link with your comments!

That Girl

     I lit a cigarette and thought about how I hated to see her go. Again. Thank God for dark glasses.
     "Wow, Mister."
     The kid snapped me out of thoughts of our bedroom farewell. “Wow, what?" I asked.
     "That's some pretty girl you got."
     I took a long drag. Yeah, tell me about it.
     I heard a whistle . . . and it wasn't the train's. It was the steward, gawking up at my girl.
     Hell. I'd sure miss her.
     Another drag and I headed back to my empty bed, wondering if I'd ever quit smoking.

39 comments:

  1. Worked for me, Pat Carr not withstanding. ;)

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    1. You mean I sounded like a guy? :) Thanks, ed_quixote!

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  2. Love it! You really got into the guys head. With the inclusion of whistling it had a nostalgic feel!

    Here is my link. Please stop by and post yours as well!

    http://susielindau.com/2012/01/27/just-another-day-100-word-flash-fiction/

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    1. Thanks, Susie. I'm off to visit yours now!

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  3. Wanna take her for a walk? I mean if it's that much to ya! Tell ya what, I'll go with you just in case......

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    1. Anonymous, your comment takes the story in a whole other direction. Thanks for visiting!

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  4. You really drag us right into the guy's head here, nicely done. She must be quite something, that girl!

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    1. Thanks, elmowrites. It's fun to be a guy sometimes. :)

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  5. Smoothly executed, this is well written and captures the emotion beautifully.

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    1. Thank you, Judee. It's what I love about writing - getting into someone else's head.

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  6. A wonderful story Jan.
    I loved the take on the whistle not being the trains but an admiring steward.
    I wonder why she went?

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    1. Good question, Mike. I'll have to think of "the rest of the story." :)

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  7. Hi Jan, hope you had a great birthday and thanks for the gift of this story. Lost love is a great theme and I can feel the sadness and sense of loss.
    Here's mine: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/

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    1. Aw, thanks for the birthday wishes! Lost love seems to prevail in my stories. :)

      I'm off to visit your blog!

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  8. I liked it, Jan. Very cool. It left me wondering about the girl, too, and in a good way. Thanks!

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    1. Oh yeah -- the girl! That's a whole other story, too, isn't it!

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  9. writingbothsides.comJanuary 27, 2012 at 10:46 AM

    I enjoyed this a lot. Great dialogue and images.

    Here's mine:
    http://wp.me/p1Tjpv-8I

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    1. Thank you! I really enjoyed the unique take on yours, too. Very poignant.

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  10. Best take I've read so far. Way to incorporate everyone in the photo. "That's some pretty girl you got." made me laugh out loud! Great dialogue!

    John

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    1. Thank you, John. Your was very creative - especially the twist offered by the names you used!

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  11. That was a different style for you, too! And I could smell the cigarette smoke all the way over here!

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    1. Thanks, Linda. Guess not being a smoker, I didn't do so bad. :)

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  12. I like that you focused on a different character than the two that were staring us in the face. That's one of the things that makes the Friday Fiction fun.

    maybe if he didn't smoke so much, she wouldn't have left.

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  13. The last line made the story for me, shifting the focus suddenly from what seemed like a standard farewell to a guy just thinking about himself. Brilliant!

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    1. Thanks, Carlos. I also tried to make it a metaphor for "will I ever stop missing her." :)

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  14. Now, how did I miss your blog this morning?! I like this piece - very cleanly written. Now I wonder where she is going and why and if she is ever coming back. Thank you for getting me thinking.

    ~Susan (Here's mine: http://www.susanwenzel.com/)

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    1. Susan, what a poignant little story your "Waiting" was! Loved it!

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    2. Thanks again for your comments!

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  15. I wondered why he's leaving her for an empty bed? He sounds reluctant about it, that's for sure. Maybe she left him instead... This was a very different sort of story from you than I've seen and I liked it too.

    Thanks for the warm welcome back :)

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    1. Ha! Madison, that's a different twist. I meant for him to be returning (reluctantly) to his empty bed because she left HIM - again. Maybe I need to make it more clear.

      Great turn out this week - everyone is glad you're back!

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  16. Dear Jan,

    I love that you wrote from the guy's perspective. The interplay between characters and the flow of your story are all natural and believable. Very nice job.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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    1. Thank you, Doug. I like writing in a POV different from what is "comfortable." Stretching my muscles. :)

      Sayonara,
      Jan

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  17. (blogspot problems!)

    Nicely nuanced. Well done! Robin

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    1. Sorry for the blogspot problems, Robin! I enjoyed your story, too!

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  18. Hi Jan

    Hurrah! IT works today. I really loved this piece. Very well written. It had the edge of one of those 1950's style crime thrillers. Great stuff.

    Hugmore

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  19. This had the feel of neo-noir. I only say that because in noir they didn't care about stopping smoking LOL. But man, the "feel" in this was so luscious. I would love to read a full length piece written by you in this style.

    The link to my drabble is here: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/grounds/

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  20. A very novel take on the prompt! Enjoyed reading it!

    Here's my late entry:
    http://faitaccompli.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/grow-up-now/

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    1. I love that your flash fiction was born of a boring meeting. Very nice!

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